Sunday, 10 July 2011

Riddling Roads?

Where Am I Supposed to Go? I sometimes ask myself.

For several weeks, Eric, a friend, was trying to get me to go to some meditative seminars. But I turned him down, citing fevers, coughs and tiredness, or that I had too much work to do that every weekend I was still working in front of the computer instead of relaxing.   He kept emailing me to take a break to refresh, even calling me a 'dumb arse' ( he meant well and he likes to joke with me!!) for not attending a healing seminar that a friend wanted to sponsor for me. When I gave him another reason to my stress - I have to fundraise to do this project, I I haven't been able to do well in this because I haven't gotten the right doors.

If I can’t fundraise the monies needed, I will have to get volunteers and do bartering with willing parties,that is a lot of negotiation and coordinating as getting volunteers to render reliable help is difficult.  If I can't find TV quality camera, the documentary will not have the TV quality enough to be aired on TV channels or Internet TV,  then it defeats the purpose of working on this project as I want to fundraise for Pong’s special chair and medical fees, and highlight the issues behind the women. The HD camera with a boom mic for the filming of the documentary costs Rm20,000 over! I am not a tech person, when I hear such number, I get stressed. 

No one I have asked so far wants to lend such a camera to the project for free. No corporate so far wants to come in to sponsor the project because the women portrayed are not the ‘sexy’ consumers they want --the ones with disposable incomes. Corporates are concerned with the disadvantaged women hurting their branding!!

Failing to get me away from my work station even on weekend,  Eric wrote a poem and dedicated it to me. It is the first time in my life someone wrote a poem just for me!
The Riddling Road

On this riddling road
I’ve been treading on so long
A journey of puzzling loads
Not to be solved, but to sing along

Countless things I’ve been questioning
Seeking answers that may not be,
The more I ask, the more wonderings
Perhaps the seeker isn’t the real me.

Along the way, there are choices
They exist only due to duality
Between a choice, I hear many voices
The more I choose, the more I create my destiny.
This riddling road is to be enjoyed
Learning to have fun would suffice
Truly, there is nothing I can avoid
For I am a fool walking in paradise.

The happening one day will come
When I realize my choiceless awareness,
The inside and the outside are one
And I finally exit with effortlessness.

His poem seems to be right on the dot about the state of my life! I have made choices and the choices have given me more riddles to solve. Or more problems to overcome if I look at it the negative way, or more opportunity to explore if I look at it from the positive angle.

After re-reading his poem several times, I see another riddle that I haven't solved.
Does Eric see me as a lost soul turning round and round amongst riddling roads? IS it because I haven't been loving myself by giving myself time? I only see what I need to do but not giving myself time to BE?

I am thinking.

By CSC  

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