Sunday, 27 November 2011

October 18

After two days full of upheavals and critical moments of reflections, I calmed down and got buzy at work. Working hard help me to forget about things that bother me. In the midst of email replying and document editing, it dawned on me that I had forgotten to turn to this project for inspiration during those worst moments.

The five women who know me for years will not see me  as 'a failure'! If I were to confide in them about October 16, they would have said,"I've been through much harder times than you. I haven't quit what I am doing, why should you?"

There was Sulastri, jovial and easy going. "My past is gone, I want to be as happy as I can. I don't want to worry about my future. There are so many good things in my life now!"

She sees her blessings rather than the shortcomings.  I know about such advice for the longest time. But I forgot to do a mental sommersault to bounce back to normal when I was so depressed over the harsh words about 'failire'.

I must remember what she said.

Nisha is always smiling even when she was tired
and agitated with uncaring people. After that long journey of coming out as a transgender, facing prejudices and getting support from her mother for who she is, nothing else can beat her down any more.

"I am fighting for issues about the transgender. I am willing to do anything for my community."
This says a lot about her commitment.
I too must learn to hang on to my own social mission, and keep going.

     Then there is Lucy, deligently going about
      working and volunteering. The public transport
      she has to take to do all these activities would
      have cowed many women if not of her
      determination to be self-reliant instead of taking

     " I want to live every minute of my life with
        meaning, so I want to be buzy. Of course,
        there are bad times, but I ask God to give me
        strength to keep going."

Swee Lian fractured her spine due to too
much hardwork and lack of rest.  For over
a month, she was suffering from great physical pains, and still she took care of her sister and
elderly mother. Having taken care of my
Down Syndrome brother and my elderly parents,
I know how exhausting it is especially when you have to do it all by yourself. 

And I am not a Lupus patient.

The inner strength she has to cull to
take care of her home even at a time when she herself is at risk, has got to be immesely deep.

Her filial piety to her mother shows the person she is -- caring about others more than herself.
She still went out to buy her mother's favorite foods instead of buying something for herself.

Most of all, she never quits in doing what she has to do, and she has strong faith that God is there for her.

And Pong
I almost cried when I filmed her at KLGH.
Despite leukimia, deaths of beloved family members, urinary tract pains, and financial constraints, she kept smiling and being jovial
during the few days of filming video journal.

She CHOOSES to stay happy instead of
wallowing in sadness over her situation.
She exercises CHOICE!!!!!!!!
I have so much more material assets, formal education and physical freedom than her, but
I haven't been able to CHOOSE happiness
whenever I trip over little bumps.

Now that I have the opportunity to look at myself through the women, I must start to let go of my fear of failure and CHOOSE to not seek approval from every one, but to nurture my own sense of being with the help of people who really care about Me.

At this beautiful spot in FRIM (Forest Research Institute of Malaysia),  by the BIG Rock, several critical realizations about myself were revealed to me by myself. A supportive group of friends and the positive ions in the surrounding helped me made baby steps to clear my mind of fears, guilt, and self-imposed sacrifices.

I haven't had time to go there this year. 
I should try to give myself the time to reflect, refresh, rejoice, relearn and rejuvenate in the beutiful place and thank God that such a place is accessible to me any time I want. 

And I must remember this whenever I feel like a complete failure --

'Some people always throw stones in your path. It depends on you what you make with them. A Wall or a Bridge? Remember you are the architect of your life.'

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