'Portraits of Perseverance' is an on-going multimedia community project that follows the lives of Malaysian women who persevere in the face of chronic illnesses, disabilities and transgender discrimination. It consists of blogs, video journals and TV documentaries. The first project (2011 to 2012) tells the stories of Lucy, Nisha, Pong and Sulastri. The second project in 2013 brings you Pong’s rehabilitation journey.
Pong on a Reclining Wheelchair With Ah Yan(neice), Ah Kam(Red Blouse), Lucy(Blue Shirt)
Pong went to Singapore, with the help of funds from different people, to get a
special wheelchair made by Mr Lee of Delcon Technologies. Her dream of becoming
a motivational speaker came true when she spoke to the employees of Pteris Global
and Cisco Recall in Singapore.
Pteris Global and Cisco Recall donated a wheelchair to her and they took her to several places of
interest in Singapore including Singapore Flyer and Garden in the Bay! Here are some pictures while she was there.
The Singaporean
Physiotherapist assures Pong that
sitting
upward will greatly improve blood circulation
in the urinary
system.
Hence,Pong
needs to be very
discipline after this
trip, ie:
perform her daily exercise to strengthen her spinal muscle.
Eventually, she should be able to
transfer herself independently from wc to bed to floor. It takes time but it is ACHIEVABLE.
A solid foam bed
is
needed for her to perform her daily
therapy. She can also email
Mr Lee
of Delcon Technology about her
performance/development every quarterly. The Physiotherapist
will
also help
to review and provide the next course of therapy exercise. The modified wheel
chair
will be
completed in about 3 weeks
for
Pong.
The two kind-hearted
Singaporeans look forward to see
her transferring herself independently when she goes to
Singapore to give another
motivating speech, hopefully to United World College!
She now can finally sit up after 26 years!
Pong's group arrived in KL for a few days after the Singapore trip. We now have
to sort out how to transport her on a manual wheelchair without the appropriate
disabled van!! Her stumps are bleeding due to the trial trips with the manual
wheelchair, so we have to be careful these few days.
Here are the steps
in the next few years:
1. Get special wheelchair and others appropriate
hardware 2. Ensure physiotherapies are appropriate at the Ipoh side so she
can sit up, and there is proper home care ( cement floor fixing, security etc) -
reduce risk of stroke, heart attack. 3. Appeal for much needed surgery at a
hospital in KL -- use colon to make urinary tube 4. Appeal for reduced rate
or complementary sugery. Fundraise whatever necessary to get the surgery done
and the medical care for healing of wounds. 5. Long term physiotherapy + a
van for the wheelchair in Ipoh 6. Tackle other health problems -shrunken
kidney ( from laying on trolley too long) and leukemia.
I really like that Portraits of Perseverance shed light on the transgender community (by highlighting the lives of Nisha and Sulastri) - their struggles and how they persevere through tough times. Their stories echo not just their own plights, but that of the whole community's uphill battle against discrimination.
Their community seeks love and the right to live without persecution.
Just a typical day for Sulastri Ariffin.
A little religious debate sparked on the joke website, 9Gag (Just For Fun - really?) as protests to legalize gay marriage rocked the United States and the media feed recently. A 9Gagger commented something along the lines of, "Christians are such (expletive). Why do (expletive) Christians hate homosexuals? Did Jesus (expletive) say 'Hate homosexuals!'? Christians, get your (expletive) facts right!"
Well, he should get his facts right, as well. (Touche) I can answer that, "Christians do not hate gays." But who can blame people for being so defensive about the whole thing?
As a Christian, I can tell you that there is nothing in my religion that encourages hate towards the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transsexual) community.
It doesn't teach you to hate anyone for that matter. In fact, I strongly believe that any peaceful religion in the world would not propagate hatred for the LGBT. But there will always be people in any religious sect who misunderstand and take these teachings to the extreme.
As a Christian, I am aware that there is a stigma linked to the
Christian Church. People tell me straight in the face that
Christians are judgemental and rigid. Honestly, some can be this way.
But those are the bad eggs. Don't let them ruin the whole batch of fresh ones.
Should the world judge the whole country of
France just because Zinedine Zidane headbutted Italy's Marco Materazzi during the football World Cup in
2006? And even if they choose to, they should at least hear both sides of the story. I hope you see my point in comparing
these two situations.
Zidane giving Italy's Materazzi a piece of his mind, using his head, and aiming it at Materazzi's tummy.
If a religion disallows homosexuality, certain people of that religion might take it to the next level by not just disallowing, but condemning homosexuality AND homosexuals. LGBT activists counter by holding protests or demonstrations.
Relationships between these two parties become strained. With the world already being torn apart by different political, social, and religious ideologies, I don't think it needs any more assistance.
The world has its share of extremists. And I mean that in an everyday sense.
Accepting a person's lifestyle is one thing. Accepting who they are as humans, is a different thing altogether. Some people may be in support of the LGBT lifestyle, some may not be. That's one case. But what I feel is this -- what really matters is that people accept someone of that community as a person and as a friend.
Nisha Ayub of the Pink Triangle Foundation.
Certain people may not agree with the LGBT lifestlye. Similarly, a
transgender may not agree with a Christian lifestyle. Both parties
have the rights to their own ideas and principles. Neither can impose their beliefs
on the other party.
So what if one person's 'straight', while the other isn't? Does that mean one is superior to the other?
Not at all. We're human, one and the same. It all boils down to a relationship of respect.
I cannot make a friend eat barbecued meat with me if he's a vegetarian. But would I hate him for it? People have different ways of life, and different ideas about things. It doesn't mean we should shun that person based on his beliefs or lifestyle.
Should different viewpoints cause persecution? Should that cause hatred?
I don't see why it should!
In the same way a Chelsea fan and a Manchester United fan can watch a game together at the local mamak stall - each staying true to his beloved club without condemning or rejecting the other - I dream that the world will be this way one day.
Transgender or not, we have the same ability to feel, love and value one another as human beings. This world would be a happy place if we could love, value and above all, respect one another.
Previously I had written about Pong while she was still in the hospital receiving treatment for her Leukemia. During that same period of time, within a year, she had lost both her mother and her brother. I had also mentioned my own personal struggle to find happiness, despite the fact that I have so much more than Pong. Recently I have seen a video of Pong within her home talking about the issues facing the disabled and how she has been able to persevere through this troubling year. Despite the many troubles she faces, happiness continues to be the main fuel of her life.
In the Chinese zodiac calendar, this coming year will be the year of the Dragon. The Dragon is not only a mythical beast, but a powerful one as well. I am not sure exactly what Pong's zodiac animal is, but her choice to be happy represents the dragon in many ways. Like the dragon, happiness at times can be very elusive and even somewhat mythical or non-existant. However, if you are able to attain the spirit of the dragon, or the true spirit of happiness, your life can be filled with security and can extend of an indefinite period of time. Furthermore, the dragon is not the type of animal to be thwarted by just any type of obstacle, much like Pong is with her unfortunate losses and her physical health. Pong has already proven herself this year as a true woman of character and strength, but with her strength and her choices, the year of the dragon I am sure will be her year.
In my previous post, I had also reflected upon the question of how happiness can be so elusive to those who may have it the easiest. For example, Pong's situation to an outsider is grave to save the least, yet she leads on and expresses herself to Ehomemakers and the youtube community with a smile and a sense of hope that cannot be discouraged by outside forces. Yet, those with all of the opportunity, items, and relationships in the world can be so unhappy. Pong has proven that adversity and suffering, while definitely prohibitive and negative and nature, can also serve to inspire the self and others. Happiness is not something that comes and goes with Pong, she chooses to live her life the way that all of us should no matter what we are given or what we lack in our personal lives.
The house was only occupied by my mom and I before Morgan came along.
I was so exited when I heard the news that Morgan-from-Canada-is-coming-the-one-who-will-save-our-lives-by-editing-and-filimg-the-Portraits-Of-Perseverance-documentary-for-four-months. The best part was she would be staying with my mom and I in our house. As I cleaned her room, I compiled a whole list of places to take her during her stay here.
That fateful day in November, Morgan came. My first impression of her was somewhat like this picture. Her eyes especially gave off some sort of piercing look. I couldn't blame her for looking glum. I would most probably look the same way if I were to land in a foreign country. Although my mom and I were a legit home stay, looks can definitely be deceiving... we could have eaten her alive.
I was surprised by how productive Morgan was on her first week. She didn't show any signs of jet-lag, she slept earlier than I did, and woke up (much) earlier than I ever did every single day.
As the days went by, I began to like Morgan a lot. Growing up as the only child, I always wished I had an older sibling to look up to. Morgan has definitely played that role well, even though she has only been here for a short period of time.
Since graduating from secondary school last year, I felt like I was at a big crossroad in my life - from lots of friends in school to not seeing them at all for weeks; from tons of laughter to almost not talking all day long.
Thanks to Morgan, I had someone to talk to about what I was facing. She made me realize that I'm not the only one facing something like this, because she had felt the same way too when she graduated high school... and it is all part of life.
It was also because of Morgan that I decided to buy some new blouses while shopping with my friend. Even though Morgan claims she didn't bring many things to wear here, she always looks nice no matter what she wears. Her clothes are suitable no matter what event she's attending. From wearing a uniform everyday for the past 11 years to now having to look decent while working in an office, I was at a loss about how I should look proper and professional. Observing Morgan's closet of (always decent) clothes, I decided I should use her as an example.
My mom was surprised by my choice of clothes. "They all look like something Morgan would wear!!" she exclaimed. "Yup," I said. "That's the whole point".
In my states of panic on what to wear for fancy occasions, Morgan is always a room away to help - whether its choosing the right dress, hairpiece or necklace. She always helps me, and I'm forever thankful to her for that.
Some people say we look alike.
Morgan also opened my eyes to a whole new set of career choices. Since I was 7 years old, I wanted to work for the animation studio, Pixar because I was fascinated by how they made toys come to life, I couldn't do that!
By the age of 13, Pixar fascinated me by the way they captured the emotions of audiences of all ages. But after 10 years of having that dream, I decided that working for Pixar wasn't right for me. I couldn't sit in one position the whole day drawing characters. It was a hard decision - thinking that you had your life all planned out from such a young age, to growing up and knowing you'll never be happy doing that and giving up on that dream altogether. Good thing I didn't take up designing as a college course!
Thanks to Morgan, I now see TV journalism as a career that I might enjoy a lot. Before Morgan came into my life, I thought that news stations only consisted of cameramen and reporters. Now I know there is more than what meets the eye. Besides being a news anchor, Morgan also decides what goes on the news. The kicker is that she can do everything herself without any assistance! She gets the information, contacts the interviewees, interviews while filming the whole episode, edits the footage and submits it to the station. Talk about a hard working lady!
It is Morgan's last few days in Malaysia now. I'm not looking forward to the day she leaves, but we can't keep her here forever. Although I may never see her again for years to come, she's definitely made a big difference in my life. I really thank God for sending me a big sister when I needed one the most.
Justina ( Lucy's best friend who passed away in Jan 2011. Both of them have been models for the Salaam Wanita project for eHomemakers) had a list of places to visit in the world and people she liked to meet - President Obama at the White House in Washington DC, Queen Elizabeth in Buckingham Palace, the mayor of New York, Bario in Borneo Sarawak, California, London, and the seven wonders of the world. She also dreamt about taking a cruise around the world for a year with Lucy.
"Where to get the money to go-oh?" she laughed about her silliness when she recounted these places to me.
It was her enthusiasm and curiosity for life that made me promised her that I would find her a way. I didn't know how then ( and still don't know how to spread her ashes to those places.....), but I knew one thing -- one step at a time.
Justina and my family were showing intern, Jugo, how to taste durian in this 2010 video. See her lively and carefree persona.
Lucy in Cambodia
With a stroke of luck, this project was able to combine the attendance of a Fair Trade Conference in Cambodia with a filming activity for Lucy's story. Lucy finally met with other homeworker leaders who barely spoke a word of English and she realized that she was a capable lady!!
The opportunity was really a miracle, it just came! When I was sitting in the tuk tuk with Lucy, watching Morgan and Rhon cycling behind us towards Angkor Wat, I felt so good that my promise to Justina to visit Angkor Wat and Tonle Sap was fulfilled. Her ashes were in a plastic tupple wear in my knapsack and I carried it everywhere I went- field trip in a slum, Angkor Wat, museum, Tonle Sap temple and walk arounds!!!
Lucy looking out at Tonle Sap
Lucy spread her ashes at the two places. And Lucy laughed, not feeling sorrowful about her best friend's absence -- this was what Justina had wanted for Lucy all these years!
"Laugh and be happy, who cares?" I heard Justina saying this in my ears.
My guilt about my inability to help her get an immediate surgery for the gall bladder stone removal was finally ebbing away.
Lucy preparing Justina's ashes.
A friend told me recently, "Justina went away to a better world because her time here was finished. She went away because she is giving Lucy a chance to grow into the person she had wanted her to be -- a Lupus patient who takes risk to try anything new, be active publicly, has no fear about what people say about her, and has a 'can do' attitude."
"And Justina is also giving you answers to the questions you have about God!" she said pointedly.
I pondered about her wisdom for weeks. Answers to my questions about 'why', 'why the dark hours are so long', 'when am I getting breakthroughs to what I am doing with eHomemakers?' are beginning to form shapes.
Am I not seeing the answers?
So I started to be more conscious about everyone abnd everything's presence in my life.
Think positive, Ching Ching, don't sweat the small things, don't take things too personally, look at the non-toxic people around you, look at all the good things around you.
Look, look, look!!!
Yes, I am LOOKING!!
Lucy is really a different person now. She talks and laughs more. I did begin to see her in a different light during the Cambodian trip! I felt a sense of peace just sitting with her in the tuk tuk despite the scary traffice around us.
I got to see two young ladies, Morgan and Rhon, being fascinated by the Conference and all things Cambodian.
Morgan and Rhon at a dressed up as Indian and Chinese for a get-together night at the Conference in Jan 2012
When I look at the picture of both of them, I tell myself, "Hey, you have blessings and you are not treasuring the moments with them. Stop moaning about God's absence. He has sent you all these angels! You have not been alone! When you needed assurance at the beginning of 2012, you got Lucy, Rhon, Morgan to be with you in an unusual place full of history. You heard laughters. You saw their curiosity about life. Remember what Jenny Pong said in her video journal at the hospital ( when she has painful infection)? Always think positive, life is too short."
Yes. YesZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!
Think of the moments, the NOW that you are living in!
Yesterday, I watched this video of me eating crickets in Siem Reap for lunch and I laughed and laughed. All the worries about finance, eHomemakers's future, and me standing at a cross-road in life just disappeared.
I felt light-hearted.
These are moments to treasure.
This one-year project has given me so many insights about life's ups and downs through all the people involved. And it has been confirming to me that I have been blessed in many ways, it is just that I don't seem to see the blessings when I am down. I know I mustn't dwell on negative incidences which are part of life's trials. I must move on like Lucy, Pong, Swee Lian, Sulastri and Nisha.
Life is too short. All of them have said this to me over the last few months when I got to interact with them at a more personal level.
Ok, what else do I have in my life that give me enthusiasm? MY daughter and her friends!
A walk to the Mother Fall in KKB in 2009 with teenagers!
Me and a group of teenagers in October 2011!
So Ching Ching, keep going, keep eating, keep laughing, keep dreaming, keep having life in your heart, and keep hoping!!!
(And keep dreaming that this blog site will continue with several other women of perseverance series. And don't worry even if others think you are a nut, again! )
Justina Law and Lucy Goh, best friends, have been the models for eHomemakers' Salam Wanita project. Lucy was the one who counselled Justina when her bi-polar acted up and was always the helping hand when Justina needed help. The song "Like a bridge over troubled waters" came to my mind every time I saw Justina calling Lucy for help. Lucy was the friend who would never go away.
Lucy working hard at eHomemakers.
For years, we counted on both of them to sell at exhibitions and do the backend admin work the ecobaskets. Amongst the hundreds of women we have helped, only two of them were so dedicated to help other women. They travelled about two hours to eH office and more than 2 hours to go back to Kajang daily. The allowances we could afford to pay were small compared to the hours they put in. Yet they came weekly, so reliable and so honest, because they just wanted to help other women. They even reported Rm1 buyer donation for their bus fares to us.
Lucy still comes to eHomemakers office weekly todo the backend admin work for
the ecobasket project.
After Justina passed away last January, I felt lost for a few months. We could't save her, she was waiting for a gall bladder stone removal for over four months but the appointment was postpone monthly. How could such a well-equipped hospital postponing a surgery every month and let the patient suffered in pains? Was it because she was a poor Lupus patent with no backing?
Lucy also works at the SLE office, helping other Lupus patients.
We had no answers. We still do not have any answers.
Over the years, a few of the Salaam women passed away in hospitals, often with sudden infections and complications. Those of us who were close to them remember the situations. A weight sits on our memory-- black and heavy.
Why? How?
I asked Lucy once, "How do you deal with Lupus friends' death? There are also Salaam Wanita friends who passed away. Do you feel sad or scared? Do you feel angry why they have to go?"
Justina's funeral
She lowered her eyes, "It is part of life. I just have to deal with it and keep going."
She has kept herself very active since she recovered from the Lupus relapse about ten years ago. "God gave me a second chance, so I must make full use of my life to help others," she told us when we taped her first video journal for this project in May 2011. She was still the same quiet person then, the one who was a shadow to the more flamboyant Justina.
Lucy took care of SLE Association affairs with Chee Siew Lian before the new office manager started her work in 2011. She still travels on buses to hospitals to counsel new patients. The motivation to do something for others comes from her heart, deep down inside. Just like Siew Lian, there has been no publicity about her dedication but she has been one of the most important doers for the SLE Association.
At the beginning of this project, Lucy was really afraid of the camera. She froze as soon as we turned on the switch!! After months of getting her to practise speaking in front of the camera, she finally talked without shyness about her ecobasket selling at a French coffee morning! Voila!
She has made peace with Justina's going away.
Time is short," she reminds me when I ask her
to walk slower.
Here is another new Lucy! She spoke without giggling
about her buzy weekend and she did it in public!
Over the last few months since Morgan arrived, Lucy has really changed!!! She is now more talkative, more outgoing and she laughs a lot more. When we went to Cambodia to film her fulfilling Justina's wishes to see Tonle Sap and Angkor Wat, I was pleasantly surprised by her cheerfulnees, her excitement over small rocks and her curiosity over foreign foods. She even did a jump at Angkor Wat like Morgan!
She was the Justina minus the flamboyant mood!
Last week, Morgan went to film her at the SLE's Chinese New Year party. She spoke in the public and demonstrated hair dying in front of the group. Lucy wasn't the shy Lucy I used to know!!
Lucy speaking in front of a crowd!!!
But, I am so glad to see the change.
I am sure Justina is smiling at her, 'free-oh', like she used to say to us.
I prayed and prayed to God to help me to raise resources and funds for this community multi-media project. Not only that high quality HD camera is expensive and unaffordable, I also couldn't find people to use a normal three-year old camcorder to film video journals and edit them as you-tube videos. Every one I approached was asking for high amount of money which I didn't have.
How do I get this TV documentary done with no resources????? God, where are you?
I was really frustrated and scared..... oh oh.... couldn't sleep for many nights......
Then an email changed my life!!!
Help International, a Canadian NPO, announced that it found a Canadian TV journalist named Morgan Reed to volunteer for four months to make the documentary!!
I was scared at first, she had never been to Asia. KL could be too hot for her, and the food too spicy and we might have work style clashes!! The interns assigned to her must also be able to work with her, carrying camera, microphone, tripod and lighting equipment besides making appointments for her. A team must follow herm, would they work out? I said 'yes', and praying silently that everything would be ok.
After she arrived on Nov 24, it seemed like most of my hurdles just melted away with her aura or her ancestors' blessings. Interns came along because she showed them how to use Window Movie Maker to fade in and fade out, to slow scenes and upload into You-tube. Monash University's local campus film lecturer, Fikri, showed up at office to give advice and search for a HD camera. She didn't even have jet lag and straight away made friends with the women featured in the documentary after I brought her to meet them. Other strategic partners came along because of her infectious optimism.
Morgan at KLCC Park on Jan 5, 2012
Her 'can do' attitude brought a breath of fresh air to my own life. I began to be more optimistic about life.... and this project.
When we couldn't loan a HD camera, she went to Singapore on a bus to buy one herself and came back at 3.30 am, smiling and announcing to me, " I have named him Marvin!"
That day was a miracle in my life. I witnessed a cheerful, full of hope young Canadian woman caressing a camera. And then postive things began to unfold within hours from music to logistics!
Then we began to shoot scenes for the documentary. I assigned at least one intern to follow her in December and January, but we were surprised to learn that she is a 'one woman show'.
Morgan with Marvin at Sulastri's pasar in Chow Kit, KL
When we filmed in Crown Plaza Hotel in January 2012, there were 3 interns assigned to help her besides her sweetie, Joshua. She carried Marvin on her shoulder, a tripod on the other shoulder, set it all up and filmed every thing by herself. We were just standing there watching, helplessly.... she used her handphone to contact every one for appointment. Production assistants didn't have to coordinate her at all!! This is exactly the opposite of the advice I was given - you must have a team of three people to help the film director - one to coordinate, one to carry equipment, one to drive/find the scenes for shooting.
Morgan being mobbed by kids at Siem Reap, Cambodia, all wanting her to take pictures for them.
When she was filming Pong at the Twin Towers, I watched her from behind. Filmed everything by herself without any one carrying anything or organizing the subjects for her. So energetic, so strong..... I was in awe of the confidence and dedication.
She is the production team herself!!
What a good role model for my daughter and the girl interns, and for all the eHomemakers members!! A woman can be skilled in traditional male domains such as filming a documentary with a camera. She can do this all by herself, and even better than any man!!!
Even though she presents herself in quite a refined way, Sulastri Ariffin is really appreciates the simple things in life. You wouldn’t know it to meet her. Sulastri dresses very well, often wearing fancy earrings and dressy clothes. Every detail of her appearance is perfect and she speaks with a confident composure. Under it all though, she strives for a normal life.
On her off days, when she’s not busy working with the Pink Triangle Foundation, Sulastri spends time in her neighbourhood. She prefers to go to local food stalls for nasi lemak in the morning, instead of spending her time in expensive restaurants with air con and exotic foods. On a Sunday, Sulastri spends the morning doing some marketing around the neighbourhood, seeing the errands as a chance to connect with people she knows in the area as well as a chance to make new friends.
As part of the Portraits of Perseverance documentary a lot of the women are working towards a goal. They have been helping make video journals chronicling their lives over the past year. Watching the videos I have seen them grow and change. I feel like I’ve gotten to know them. Sulastri comes off as a real character. She is so natural on camera. Her sense of humour resonates with the viewer.
You would think that considering her charisma and potential, Sulastri would be working towards a performance of some kind as her goal at the end of the film, but Sulastri has something much simpler in mind. She wants to go fishing. I guess it makes sense, taking her down home roots into account. What better way to cap off a busy year than with a nice relaxing afternoon by the water? It’s a reminder for me to take time to enjoy life’s simple pleasures.
See more on Sulastri’s work on the website for the PT Foundation: www.ptfmalaysia.org
It has taken me more than a month to clear all the emotional threads in my mind before I write about this critical day- October 16 of the year 2011.
I will never forget it for the rest of my life.
I went to a special session to get help for eHomemakers. I only manage to finish the template for my presentation the night before. There were terms I didn't quite understand in the template but I tried my best and made ten slides.
However, things didn't turn out the way I had imagined it would be -- supportive people giving advice in a friendly way, guiding me to amend what I didn't know. At slide three, one of the persons became agitated with my presentation and he started to give me the strongest verbal 'commentaries' I had ever heard in my 14 years of building eHomemakers.
This was what I heard, "You have failed. eHomemakers is not making any money and you are using your own money sometimes for cash flow. You can't grow a social enterprise without making profit. YOU need to get out of eHomemakers. It is because of you that eHomemakers has failed."
I tried to protest and gave meekly the names of the awards we have won. "That is the past! Who cares? Can't you see you have failed?" The person threw a brochure I gave to him onto the floor. His voice boomed, it was the only thing I could hear.
I tried to defend myself several times but he shouted me down. The others were nice but they too asked me to leave eHomemakers. I told them that as of two years ago, I had already told the team that I will retire from actively running eHomemakers in ten years' time as that was the time period I estimated for it to grow in the financial aspect without sacrificing the social profit --the pro-poor and disadvantaged side of eHomemakers. As of six years' ago, I had already identified a key weakness in eHomemakers -- none of us in the core team had business profit experience so I needed to bring in business minded team members but I haven't had the money to pay high corporate salaries to bring them in. The chicken or the egg sitiation for social enterprises, so common all over the world, but does that mean I have to be shouted down and labelled a 'failure'? My mind silently cried out my protest.
"Can't you see you have failed? What kind of social enterprise it is when you can't afford business salaries?"
The walls in the room started to cumbled in my mind's eyes.
The words 'you are a failure' echoed loudly in my ears.
I crumbled internally.
Other loud voices rom my past were telling me -- the child of primary school years, the teenager of secondary school years -- YOU ARE A FAILURE, you are NO Good, You are STUPID (even though you are a school leader and you are in the A class!) You will never be able to fulfill our expectations!.
The fear that stemmed from the past was so real.
In those moments when the word "failure' was
thrown at me, I felt tears stinging behind my eyes.
Just like the me in the past, I never shed tears.
I couldn't because I wasn't allowed to cry.
I wouldn't because the fear of harsher and more derogatory words paralyze me.
And that fear has been a huge mental block in the way I deal with people -- I always choose the
path of least resistance and let aggressive people walk all over me and take advantage of me.
I am unable to stand up for myself many many times.
That night, I couldn't sleep. My mind churned rapidly with the words, "You have caused eHomemakers to fail." I felt so ashamed of myself, and crumbled further into the night.
At 3pm that night, I woke up, wide eyed. "I am going to quit eHomemakers in the morning. And if no one dares to take over it, I will close it down." In the 14 years I have been helming eHomemakers,this choice has never been an option in my mind. I only knew that I had to keep going untill it can stand on itself without me.
After putting in so much of my time, internal resources, financial resources and sacrificing my own international career for eHomemakers, I have actually caused it to fail, according to the group of people I met with that day. It hurt so bad to think about it.
At 6.30 am on October 17, I got out of bed and told myself, " I am going to tell Mazmin that I will not be going to the conference with her and I will ask her to tell the conference organisers that I will not be speaking at the last panel session."
I felt awful, it was the first time in my life that I quit a speaking agreement for a conference. The panel session was very important breakthough for eHomemakers as I spent at least three years trying to speak about the issue to the targetted audience. "I will incur bad reputation from now on...so be it." Several other engagements in the next few weeks came to my mind, "I have to turn them all down!" I dreaded living.
The new me that day did not have any more inner resources to go on.
At 7.10 am, Mazmin who drove from Terrengganu to KL, came right on time. I told her I had quit eHomemakers. Her eyes pierced me sharply before she said, "I am driving you to the conference, you don't have to do anything. So dress up and we must go now. You can't disappoint me." All the way to the venue, she told me not to quit.
We reached the conference venue and was told to join the CEO breakfast group. As soon as we sat down, the key oprganizer, a big CEO, sat down at our table and said to me, "Yesterday at the conference opening ceremony, the Minister mentioned eHomemakers' e-community as a talent pool for the nation. I am so sorry that all these years, we didn't listen to you when you tell us that women and men can telework from home. Now that broadband is accessible and the cost is lower, it is time we listen to you!"
Mazmin smiled at me.
Courage returned to my being, I spoke confidently at the panel session, knowing that there was one key pillar of support among the audience -- Mazmin.
The moment I stepped inside the gate of my house, my daughter appeared immediately and opened the inner gate for me -- an unusal gesture from the teenager who is more glued to her Facebook during her free time than to pay attention to mommy's arriving home.
"I don't know why, I just know that you are coming home now and my opening the door will make you very happy," the teenager gave me a big peck on my cheek. We hugged tightly. She knew I needed her in those moments. We sat down on the sofa, I told her what happened.
"Mommy, you can't quit eHomemakers, you have to fight on in the way you have planned it!" she said calmly.
That night, I turned on my computer, a Canadian friend skyped me. After listening to my woes, he sent me email reminders to show me I wasn't a failure and that I had tried my best to live my life. Melissa Morgenstein, our online intern for this project, also skyped chat and encouragerd me to go on.
By 12 am, I chose to carry on.
All these critical moments happened within 24 hours. Down and down and back to middle ground to carry on living.
Isn't this part of life?
But, is God having fun with me again?
Or has HE given me an answer to my prayers about where to go from now after standing at the junction of my life in the whole year of 2011?
I have studied Mandarin Chinese for 5 years. 3 in my home country: the USA, 1 year in China, and 1 year in Chinese Restaurants in the USA as a waitress. And now I am learning Chinese language and how to live my life, as a graduate student in Nanjing, China. My sole link to Malaysia resides in my partner in crime in Beijing, a Malaysian native who is part of a scholarship program that sends students to study Chinese language and culture for 5 years at Beijing Foreign Studies University. Through her I learned that in Malaysia, "Da Bao" is also used to ask for takeout food. But a small advertisement for an internship opportunity on Idealist.org has led me to a truly remarkable organization.
I think that Ehomemakers is remarkable for the obvious reasons: the staff appear to be positive, hardworking, and passionate, the clients'/participants' stories are inspiring, and the mission of the company is more than admirable. But I think what is truly admirable about ehomemakers is how the founder, Chong Sheau Ching, is able to reach out beyond her immediate surroundings to individuals around the world. During my first phone interview with Sheau Ching, I was awed by her stories of interns from the US, the Netherlands, Korea, and more and I thought to myself "Wow, I hope I can make an impact just like they have when I go there."
I've recently had the opportunity (aka time away from reading Chinese academic articles) to watch the story of Pong and to read about Siew Lian and her work with Ehomemakers. Honestly, I pray that I can find and cultivate the strength over 2 years of graduate studies in China that these two seem to exude naturally in their everyday lives. Writing an analysis paper in Chinese is tough and impressive in itself from an American's standpoint, but living life to the fullest on a trolley is a true triumph of human endurance. By learning about these women, I also feel that I am learning more about myself and how to endure tough times and breakthrough life's lofty walls. I am looking forward to reading more about the 5 women of Portraits of Perseverance and sharing my insight and experiences with others throughout the learning process.
The sun stood upright on a shadowless Friday afternoon as a classic beige car came to a stop at the front gate of the eHomemakers’ office.
The arrival of the said vehicle marks the inception of a ‘tag along adventure’ for me with Siew Lian. I grabbed my bag as I leaped off the couch and dashed towards the front door.
Aunty Ching Ching had ordered me to follow and observe her for half a day as an assignment to get to know her better. I’ve been warned that the journey would be hectic as Siew Lian is known to be never not busy.
The gear stick was shifted into position and the handbrake was pulled down - the engine roared as she places her foot on the gas pedal and off we went!
The events that followed were a bit peculiar; what was supposed to be a short ride to the Malaysian SLE Association Centre prolonged into an out and about road trip as Siew Lian drove around town to meet up various members of the committee and run errands on behalf of them.
It was during those empty chats in the car that I learned more about her.
She told me about the colour of her first car (“It was yellow!”) and her first minor car accident with that beloved car (“I banged into a silly gate! I might laugh about it now but I remember crying for hours.”).
I also found out that she obtained a degree in Mass Communication and this is a rarity considering the fact that it was a new and recent degree introduced only in the 70s. No wonder she is familiar with the workings of the media industry.
When we did arrived at where we were supposed to be, I was slightly surprised to discover that the centre was located in the building of the Spastic Children’s Association of Selangor & Federal Territory.
As we walked in the building, I realized that the corridors were barren and dimly lit. Throw in a nighttime scene and this place would be the perfect setting for a horror flick.
Alas, we arrived at the office, I thought to myself as I caught sight of the front door of the centre.
But there was no time to catch a break for Siew Lian; she rushed in the office and jumped straight to her work.
It was there and then that I can finally understand why Siew Lian is constantly on the go. With the assistance and avid support of Lucy the Volunteer and Abidah the Intern, the centre is a one-woman show starring Siew Lian the Executive Secretary.
Seeing all three of them heavily engrossed in their respective jobs, it was soon before long that my sense of guilt started creeping; I offered them my help. They each politely refused my offer and instead told me help myself to some ice cream in the refrigerator. I found myself being acquainted to two new cups of ice cream in the next hour.
Nevertheless, dessert can only occupy me for so long and I was soon offering my assistance to them again; though this time, it’s out of boredom. I am proud to announce that they finally budged in to my wily charms and entrusted me with the all-important task of inserting pamphlets into envelopes.
Abidah bid farewell to us when she later left at five in the evening. (Nice to meet you too, Abidah!)
It began to pour later in the evening. The heavy rain was soon accompanied by the blitzing pair of lighting and thunder.
Lucy immediately went off in a mad rush to turn off the electrical equipment as she feared that a short circuit might occur. Siew Lian remains undeterred at the computer as she refuses to be interrupted by the weather, but a sudden ‘kaboom’ soon made her change her mind.
Siew Lian and Lucy actually found it weird to be suddenly ‘free’ and ‘not working’, so I took this opportunity to keep them occupied by filming a video journal that I was required to do.
We decided to call it a day at the centre as the clock struck six.
Siew Lian was however not permitting Lucy or I to go home just yet; she has decided to bring us both to dinner with her at her favourite local Indian cuisine restaurant. We stayed there longer than expected as we chatted away and were kept entertained by the funny stories we told each other.
All in all, it has been a really pleasant outing and I had thoroughly enjoyed the pleasure of their company. I do believe that I had gotten to know them better as their layers are being peeled off before my eyes to reveal their true personalities; and with that I’ll say:
A few nights ago, my daughter, Big R, told me she might be leaving the nest next year. Although I have tried to mentally prepare myself that the bird will fly off one day, I dread the day when the bird actually flies off the nest!
I have taken care of her for almost 17 years, her short breaks away from me give me the 'lonely' feeling as if I have lost a part of myself somewhere. I've built eHomemakers because I want other mothers to have the same opportunity to work near or close to their children or have flexi time to be with their children. In short, she has been my life's aim. I live for her. It feels so right to know she is some where within my reach.
That night, I developed a headache in the midst of my sleep. It was tension headache, the kind one gets when one is afraid of losing someone or something precious, the kind a mother gets from worrying because she loves her child, so much, so much that her own life is secondary to the child's.
The same kind of headache that Pong Seow Chin's mother had consistently developed after hospital visits to her daughter.
When Pong Seow Chin was in a coma more than 25 years ago and the doctor predicted that she wasn't going to live, her mother walked or rode bicycle to the Ipoh General Hospital to see her daily for several months. Refusing to let her daughter die, the devoted mother massaged the pressure points on her toe to wake her up ( the same pressure points to relieve headaches) as she sang songs in Cantonese, and also the Mandarin song "Ma Ma Hou ( Mother is Best). She didn't have much education, so she sang the song in broken Mandarin. Some people in the third class ward threw her dirty looks, some patients scolded her for disturbing their sleep, but she didn't care. She had one major aim in life -- to wake her daughter up to listen to her voice.
When Pong woke up, amidst the muffled noises and blurry images, she heard a strong, clear voice calling her name. "I am beside you, wake up, wake up, my daughter." The voice drew her back from deep blackness, she opened her eyes and saw her mother's face, looking at her longingly, calling and caressing her hand.
Her mother was the pillar in her life since then. She was the one who told her not to give up on life, learn as much as possible (which led to Pong learning to speak English by listening to others), and live life to its fullest. Her mother cleaned Pong and dressed her up when Pong couldn't do so. She was still doing this for Pong till she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in Febraury, 2011. The family couldn't afford chemotherapy or other forms of cancer therapy, so Pong's mother just bore with the pains and let her strength sip from her in the last few months. She still grew vegetables for sale, took care of Pong, accompanied Pong for all her hospital visits and sat outside the ward at night when Pong had a surgery in May. But she couldn't sing any Cantonese songs as to Pong who was under anesthesia as her strength was limited.
I called Pong on Saturday July 2 morning, the usuallly cheerful Pong was very subdued. Her voice quivered, "I am not doing well, my mom's eyes are closed, she is waiting to die. Any time."
"Be strong. Stay by your mom, she needs you now. Do update me, Ok?"
Pong agreed but she didn't answer her phone for a few days till today, July 13, I finally got her at 7pm. "My mom passed away that night...... remember, you called me in the morning?"
Pong is very sad. Her mother has given her so much encouragement over the years and was the strong positive force in her life. "I promise you I will be strong. I will make sure my wound will heal from the recent surgery." Pong's voice was slightly cheerful when I told her I will try to make her wish comes true. She loves to see some famous sights in Malaysia, Singapore or even somewhere in the world.
"Your mom's spirit will accompany you when you go to these places, she will be smiling too," I assured her.
There was a slight uplift in her voice when she described her mother's face, "She was calm, peaceful and smiled a bit because all the family members were beside her bed." It is so Pong to look at the bright side of a dark cloud.
After the call, I felt so unsettled.
I could see in my mind's eyes, Pong laying on her wooden trolley, her elbows holding her upper torso upright, calling out to her mother who was laying on the old bed, "Ma ma, don't leave me!"
Her mother could hear her, yet she couldn't touch her daugthter or carees her hand to assure her not to worry about mother. The bed level was higher than the trolley on the floor that Pong was laying on. So near, yet so unreachable, Pong's disability sat heavily between the mother and daughter like an abyss, making the physical touch they so needed at the last few moments before her mother's spirit went to the Other Side into a dream that they couldn't achieve, but a cruel reality they both knew about for years if this scene ever occured.
Pong once said to me, "I want to go before my mom, I don't want her to have this burden of taking care of me."
But her mom scolded her, "You are talking rubbish. I am old already, you have a young life. Don't ever say things like this again! If anything happens, I will always be with you."
When they came to eHomemakers' Mother's Day Celebration in KL because her mother won one of the top three awards several years ago, it was an eye opening experience for all those who attended the high tea sponsored by Nestle. Every winner was supposed to give a five-minute speech. Pong's mother was too shy to speak in Cantonese, so Pong spoke in English on behalf of her mother, telling us how her mother nursed her back from coma and how she had help Pong to keep on living despite the disabilities. Although her mother didn't understand English, she watched Pong from her seat, smiling slightly and reservedly, not wanting to show too much of her emotions.
When asked what she thought of her daughter who could speak English and do so in public effortlessly, she just nodded, hiding a shy smile when she turned her head.
Pong's mother was a woman of perseverance. Despite the family's poverty, she managed to bring up her children with her farmer husband and nursed Pong on her own when the public hospital service had failed to help Pong.
She never gave up on Pong. That is why Pong will not give up on her mother's dream for her to be more than ''the legless body who lies on the trolley'.
Pong doesn't know what potential she could achieve yet. It will take her a long time to get use to her life without her mother's support. Through this project, I hope to gather resources to help her.
Right now, I need to put aside my sadness for Pong and get on with my life just like her. I have difficulty doing so because Pong's mother's sad, longing face keep floating into my thought. I feel her sorrow in a very real way because I am a mother myself. It breaks any mother's heart into pieces when she is unable to caress her daughter's hand, now that the DISTANCE between them is larger than ever, so near yet so far.
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