I am learning to relax

Justina ( Lucy's best friend who passed away in Jan 2011. Both of them have been models for the Salaam Wanita project for eHomemakers) had a list of places to visit in the world and people she liked to meet - President Obama at the White House in Washington DC, Queen Elizabeth in Buckingham Palace, the mayor of New York, Bario in Borneo Sarawak, California,  London, and the seven wonders of the world. She also dreamt about taking a cruise around the world for a year with Lucy.

"Where to get the money to go-oh?" she laughed about her silliness when she recounted these places to me.

It was her enthusiasm and curiosity for life that made me promised her that I would find her a way. I didn't know how then ( and still don't know how to spread her ashes to those places.....), but I knew one thing -- one step at a time.

Justina and my family were showing intern, Jugo, how to taste durian in this 2010 video. See her lively and carefree persona.

Lucy in Cambodia

With a stroke of luck, this project was able to combine the attendance of a Fair Trade Conference in Cambodia with a filming activity for Lucy's story.  Lucy finally met with other homeworker leaders who barely spoke a word of English and she realized that she was a capable lady!!

The opportunity was really a miracle, it just came!  When I was sitting in the tuk tuk with Lucy, watching Morgan and Rhon cycling behind us towards Angkor Wat, I felt so good that my promise to Justina to visit Angkor Wat and Tonle Sap was fulfilled.  Her ashes were in a plastic tupple wear in my knapsack and I carried it everywhere I went- field trip in a slum, Angkor Wat, museum, Tonle Sap temple and walk arounds!!!

Lucy looking out at Tonle Sap

Lucy spread her ashes at the two places. And Lucy laughed, not feeling sorrowful about her best friend's absence -- this was what Justina had wanted for Lucy all these years! 

 "Laugh and be happy, who cares?" I heard Justina saying this in my ears.

My guilt about my inability to help her get an immediate surgery for the gall bladder stone removal was finally ebbing away.

Lucy preparing Justina's ashes.

A friend told me recently, "Justina went away to a better world because her time here was finished. She went away because she is giving Lucy a chance to grow into the person she had wanted her to be -- a Lupus patient who takes risk to try anything new, be active publicly, has no fear about what people say about her, and has a 'can do' attitude."

"And Justina is also giving you answers to the questions you have about God!" she said pointedly.  

  

I pondered about her wisdom for weeks. Answers to my questions about 'why', 'why the dark hours are so long', 'when am I getting breakthroughs to what I am doing with eHomemakers?' are beginning to form shapes.

Am I not seeing the answers?

So I started to be more conscious about everyone abnd everything's presence in my life.

Think positive, Ching Ching, don't sweat the small things, don't take things too personally, look at the non-toxic people around you, look at all the good things around you.

Look, look, look!!!

Yes, I am LOOKING!!

 Lucy is really a different  person now. She talks and laughs more. I did begin to see her in a different light during the Cambodian trip!  I felt a sense of peace just sitting with her in the tuk tuk despite the scary traffice around us.

 I got to see two young ladies, Morgan and Rhon, being fascinated by the Conference and all things Cambodian.    

Morgan and Rhon at a dressed up as Indian and Chinese for a get-together night at the Conference in Jan 2012

When I look at the picture of both of them, I tell myself, "Hey, you have blessings and you are not treasuring the moments with them. Stop moaning about God's absence. He has sent you all these angels! You have not been alone! When you needed assurance at the beginning of 2012, you got Lucy, Rhon, Morgan to be with you in an unusual place full of history.  You heard laughters. You saw their curiosity about life.  Remember what Jenny Pong said in her video journal at the hospital ( when she has painful infection)?  Always think positive, life is too short."

Yes. YesZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!

Think of the moments, the NOW that you are living in!




Yesterday, I watched this video of me eating crickets in Siem Reap for lunch and I laughed and laughed.  All the worries about finance, eHomemakers's future, and me standing at a cross-road in life just disappeared.

I felt light-hearted.
These are moments to treasure.

This one-year project has given me so many insights about life's ups and downs through all the people involved.  And it has been confirming to me that I have been blessed in many ways, it is just that I don't seem to see the blessings when I am down.  I know I mustn't dwell on negative incidences which are part of life's trials. I must move on like Lucy, Pong, Swee Lian, Sulastri and Nisha.

Life is too short. All of them have said this to me over the last few months when I got to interact with them at a more personal level.

Ok, what else do I have in my life that give me enthusiasm? MY daughter and her friends!

                                           A walk to the Mother Fall in KKB in 2009 with teenagers!

Me and a group of teenagers in October 2011!

So Ching Ching, keep going, keep eating, keep laughing, keep dreaming, keep having life in your heart, and keep hoping!!!

(And keep dreaming that this blog site will continue with several other women of perseverance series. And don't worry even if others think you are a nut, again! )

By Chong Sheau Ching

Slowly coming out of the shadow

Justina Law and Lucy Goh, best friends, have been the models for eHomemakers' Salam Wanita project.   Lucy was the one who counselled Justina when her bi-polar acted up and was always the helping hand when Justina needed help.  The song "Like a bridge over troubled waters" came to my mind every time I saw Justina calling Lucy for help.   Lucy was the friend who would never go away.

Lucy working hard at eHomemakers.

For years, we counted on both of them to sell at exhibitions and do the backend admin work the ecobaskets.  Amongst the hundreds of women we have helped, only two of them were so dedicated to help other women. They travelled about two hours to eH office and more than 2 hours to go back to Kajang daily. The allowances we could afford to pay were small compared to the hours they put in. Yet they came weekly, so reliable and so honest, because they just wanted to help other women.  They even reported Rm1 buyer donation for their bus fares to us. 

                      Lucy still comes to eHomemakers office weekly todo the backend admin work for
                      the ecobasket project.


After Justina passed away last January, I felt lost for a few months. We could't save her, she was waiting for a gall bladder stone removal for over four months but the appointment was postpone monthly.  How could such  a well-equipped hospital postponing a surgery every month  and let the patient suffered in pains? Was it because she was a poor Lupus patent with no backing?

Lucy also works at the SLE office, helping other Lupus patients.

We had no answers.  We still do not have any answers.

Over the years, a few of the Salaam women passed away in hospitals, often with sudden infections and complications.  Those of us who were close to them remember the situations.  A weight sits on our memory-- black and heavy. 

Why? How?

I asked Lucy once, "How do you deal with Lupus friends' death? There are also Salaam Wanita friends who passed away. Do you feel sad or scared?  Do you feel angry why they have to go?"

Justina's funeral

She lowered her eyes, "It is part of life. I just have to deal with it and keep going."

She has kept herself very active since she recovered from the Lupus relapse about ten years ago. "God gave me a second chance, so I must make full use of my life to help others," she told us when we taped her first video journal for this project in May 2011.  She was still the same quiet person then, the one who was a shadow to the more flamboyant Justina.


Lucy took care of SLE Association affairs with Chee Siew Lian before the new office manager started her work in 2011.  She still travels on buses to hospitals to counsel new patients.  The motivation to do something for others comes from her heart, deep down inside.  Just like Siew Lian, there has been no publicity about her dedication but she has been one of the most important doers for the SLE Association.





At the beginning of this project, Lucy was really afraid of the camera. She froze as soon as we turned on the switch!!  After months of getting her to practise speaking in front of the camera, she finally talked without shyness about her ecobasket selling at a French coffee morning!  Voila!

                                               

                                                She has made peace with Justina's going away.
                                                Time is short," she reminds me when I ask her
                                                                to walk slower.                        

Here is another new Lucy! She spoke without giggling

about her buzy weekend and she did it in public!

Over the last few months since Morgan arrived, Lucy has really changed!!! She is now more talkative, more outgoing and she laughs a lot more. When we went to Cambodia to film her fulfilling Justina's wishes to see Tonle Sap and Angkor Wat, I was pleasantly surprised by her cheerfulnees, her excitement over small rocks and her curiosity over foreign foods. She even did a jump at Angkor Wat like Morgan! 


She was the Justina minus the flamboyant mood!

Last week, Morgan went to film her at the SLE's Chinese New Year party.  She spoke in the public and demonstrated hair dying in front of the group. Lucy wasn't the shy Lucy I used to know!!

Lucy speaking in front of a crowd!!!

But, I am so glad to see the change.

I am sure Justina is smiling at her, 'free-oh', like she used to say to us.




By Chong Sheau Ching

The Three-in-One Angel

Last year was a memorable year.  

I prayed and prayed to God to help me to raise resources and funds for this community multi-media project.  Not only that  high quality HD camera is expensive and unaffordable, I also couldn't find people to use a normal three-year old camcorder to film video journals and edit them as you-tube videos. Every one I approached was asking for high amount of money which I didn't have.

How do I get this TV documentary done with no resources????? God, where are you?

I was really frustrated and scared..... oh oh.... couldn't sleep for many nights......

Then an email changed my life!!!

Help International, a Canadian NPO, announced that it found a  Canadian TV journalist named Morgan Reed to volunteer for four months to make the documentary!! 

I was scared at first, she had never been to Asia. KL could be too hot for her, and the food too spicy and we might have work style clashes!! The interns assigned to her must also be able to work with her, carrying camera, microphone, tripod and lighting equipment besides making appointments for her. A team must follow herm, would they work out? I said 'yes', and praying silently that everything would be ok.

After she arrived on Nov 24, it seemed like most of my hurdles just melted away with her aura or her ancestors' blessings. Interns came along because she showed them how to use Window Movie Maker to fade in and fade out, to slow scenes  and upload into You-tube.  Monash University's local campus film lecturer, Fikri, showed up at office to give advice and search for a HD camera.   She didn't even have jet lag and straight away made friends with the women featured in the documentary after I brought her to meet them. Other strategic partners came along because of her infectious optimism.

Morgan at KLCC Park on Jan 5, 2012

 Her 'can do' attitude brought a breath of fresh air to my own life. I began to be more optimistic about life.... and this project.

When we couldn't loan a HD camera, she went to Singapore on a bus to buy one herself and came back at 3.30 am, smiling and announcing to me, " I have named him Marvin!"

That day was a miracle in my life. I witnessed a cheerful, full of hope young Canadian woman caressing a camera. And then postive things began to unfold within hours from music to logistics!

Then we began to shoot scenes for the documentary. I assigned at least one intern to follow her in December and January, but we were surprised to learn that she is a 'one woman show'.

Morgan with Marvin at Sulastri's pasar in Chow Kit, KL

When we filmed in Crown Plaza Hotel in January 2012, there were 3 interns assigned to help her besides her sweetie, Joshua.  She carried Marvin on her shoulder, a tripod on the other shoulder, set it all up and filmed every thing by herself. We were just standing there watching, helplessly.... she used her handphone to contact every one for appointment. Production assistants didn't have to coordinate her at all!! This is exactly the opposite of the advice I was given - you must have a team of three people to help the film director - one to coordinate, one to carry equipment, one to drive/find the scenes for shooting.

Morgan being mobbed by kids at Siem Reap, Cambodia, all wanting her to take pictures for them.

When she was filming Pong at the Twin Towers, I watched her from behind. Filmed everything by herself without any one carrying anything or organizing the subjects for her.  So energetic, so strong.....  I was in awe of the confidence and dedication. 

She is the production team herself!!

What a good role model for my daughter and the girl interns, and for all the eHomemakers members!! A woman can be skilled in traditional male domains such as filming a documentary with a camera. She can do this all by herself, and even better than any man!!!

By Chong Sheau Ching

The rough cut

Aptly named, because at times, it has been rough, but today, I feel a small sense of accomplishment as I finish a rough draft of the documentary.

Jenny at KLCC Petronas Towers

I have been obsessing over the Portraits of Perseverance project for the last three months.  It has been such a fulfilling and challenging experience, getting to know the five women, following them around, filming their lives and then finally going through the footage and trying to do their stories justice in a film format.

Nisha has a great voice!

Nisha, Jenny, Lucy, Sulastri and Ching Ching have such compelling personalities.  My job was fairly easy in that sense.  They jump off the screen when they recall the events that have shaped their lives.  I only hope I have captured that with my interviews and videos.

As I mentioned, it hasn’t been an easy process.  I have nicknamed my poor laptop Bruno.  I felt it was appropriate to name him since I am working him like a dog.  I have loaded hours and hours of footage, along with pictures, video journals, and text into my Vegas Pro software. I then proceeded to spend the last month fiddling around with it like pieces in a puzzle.  Every few minutes Bruno says, “I’m tired” and freezes or un-syncs the audio and video and then I have to turn him off and give him a rest.

Lucy in Cambodia, where she spoke at
a sub-regional workshop.

I am also going a bit stir-crazy staying inside all day, (even though C2 has given me a beautiful space in the eHomemakers office to work.) I woke up one day and February was half over! I asked myself, where did January go? 

When I arrived in KL back in November I felt like I had oodles of time, but this past six weeks has flown by.  As I edge towards the finish line of this momentous journey, I realize this has been so much more than just making a documentary.

Sulastri working on a beautiful quilt.
All of the women contributed.

During my three months in Malaysia I have learned about perseverance, patience, faith and family.  It might be hard for C2 and Rhon to believe, (I still have my angry moments), but I am a kinder, more sensitive and patient person now than when I left Canada.  The women in the Portraits of Perseverance film have been the best teachers I could ask for.  Watching them, and learning from them has changed me, I hope forever.

For the friendships, for the experience and for the adventure, I will be eternally grateful.

Ching Ching stretching before a walk.
She's possibly doing a Morgan immitation...

Stay tuned in the next few weeks for details on the finished product!!!!!  I leave March 10^th so that is my deadline and everyone has to watch when it’s done. You will be amazed by the strength and inspiration of these women.  I know I was...

By: Morgan Reed

The Perfect Hostess

Being away from home over the holidays is harder than I thought.  As Christmas draws close, I find myself feeling a bit homesick, missing the snow, the traditions and family.  When I came to Malaysia I didn’t know a soul. It’s been tough to adjust to the weather and the big city but it hasn’t been hard to meet people.

I have been welcomed into so many homes.  The kindness of the “strangers” I have met in Malaysia is more than I ever could have imagined.  Ching Ching and Rhonwyn make me feel like one of the girls, giving me a perfect home base, and even when I’m away from KL I still always manage to find a safe place to land.

Pong's House in Ipoh

I went to Ipoh for the weekend to visit Pong and I was blown away by her hospitality!  I brought along three guests and she prepared a wonderful meal for all of us.  We feasted on chicken, rice, pork and vegetables.  After we finished eating, she showed us around the house and we visited with the family.  If that weren’t enough, the next day she invited us back for some Nasi Lemak.  I’ve called Ipoh the land of 1,000 meals and it’s certainly living up to its name.

During my time in Ipoh, we went to visit Pong three days in a row.  The meals were delicious and the conversations inspirational, but the best part of the trip was Pong’s smiling face waiting for us at the door each time we arrived.

What a great smile

Getting to know the women in the Portraits of Perseverance project has been such a gift.  I’m learning about strength and dedication and life, plus it’s hard to feel lonely when you’re surrounded by new friends.

By: Morgan Reed

Just sit and admire the rain

We also must persevere.

Coming into this project I knew there would be challenges.  Working in a new country presents unique obstacles and I tried to prepare myself mentally.  Coming from a place where I can get wherever I want, whenever I want, I have become a bit spoiled.  I am always over-scheduling and over-stressing. Upon my arrival here in KL, I knew I needed the lesson in patience.

Sitting on a bus in a jam last night, in the middle of my three hour commute back to the house, it hit me again.  There is no point in getting upset.  My getting frustrated won’t make these cars around me move any faster.  I might as well just sit here and enjoy the view.  There is nothing I have to do tonight that is so urgent that it can’t wait.

What a simple, yet freeing realization.  It reminds me of a story that Ching Ching tells me sometimes. It's about a western couple who get stuck in a rainstorm in KL.  They are so upset over “wasting time waiting” when they could be out seeing tourist attractions.  Then their guide points out how beautiful the rain is.  Often, we are so busy getting frustrated with what is coming up next, or what has just happened, that we miss the pleasure that can be found in the “right now!” 

Learning from Lucy

This lesson has been reinforced every time I see one of the five women from the Portraits of Perseverance project.  If I’m following Lucy throughout her busy day of volunteering or errands, or watching Nisha speak on behalf of the transgendered community.  Observing the grace and kindness with which Sulastri interacts with people in her work and play, or hearing Pong matter-of-factly explain why she puts a smile on each morning.  When I see Ching Ching slaving away in her home office, making calls, writing emails and tirelessly dedicating herself to a cause she believes in, I am reminded that I too have to persevere.

Maybe I have trouble getting used to big city traffic, maybe I feel alone in a new country, maybe it’s frustrating trying to complete a documentary, but I can do it.  I’m already learning so much, not just about journalism, but about life.  These are lessons that I will keep with me forever, lessons that can only be learned through trials.  Tough times can be great opportunities.

By: Morgan Reed

Living in the Light

Justina was always the one who did the talking.  Lucy Goh remembers her friend fondly.  Both SLE (Lupus) patients, Lucy and Justina became good friends.  Justina was the one who first told Lucy about eHomemakers.  The pair took an eco baskets training course 8 years ago and had been dedicated to the project in various ways ever since.  So when Justina suddenly passed away earlier this year it came as a shock to Lucy.

Lucy at eHomemakers

Having just arrived in Kuala Lumpur in November, I never had the chance to meet Justina, but I've heard lots about her from Ching Ching and Lucy.  It seems Lucy's shy demeanour was in stark contrast to Justina's boisterous personality.  At trade fairs and exhibitions they made quite the team.  Justina would deal with the customers and Lucy would keep track of the inventory and the money.

Now that Justina is gone, Lucy keeps coming to eHomemakers.  With faithful diligence, she comes every week to sort baskets and help out around the office.  She'll even man the table at trade shows, if you ask her really nicely.  She's committed to continuing in the path that she and her dear friend started walking together.

Lucy with Justina's ashes

But they're not done their journey yet.  Justina always wanted to see the world.  When she got really sick, Ching Ching and Lucy promised her that once she was well again, they would see the world.  Sadly, that wasn't meant to be, but that doesn't mean her dream has to die.  With Ching Ching's help, Lucy is going to take Justina where she never had the chance to go.  Her ashes will be spread in various beautiful places around the world. 



A trip has already been planned for Cambodia in January.  It will be a great opportunity, for Lucy, and her dear friend Justina.

By: Morgan Reed

I don't understand why........

I grew up in Ipoh in the sixties and seventies. A beautiful place, full of natural resources. But, it was also full of stories of sorrow.   Young fathers burning themselves with kerosene because they couldn't take care of their families. Teenage girls sold to brothel in KL so that their fathers could pay farm debts to loan sharks. That was how Ipoh girls were known to be pretty and fair -- the most beautiful in Malaysia in the sixties according to street assessments.

So when I came to KL in the mid-eighties, taxi drivers and petty traders laughed or winked their eyes when I told them I was from Ipoh. "Oh, Ipoh mali..( come from Ipoh...girl??) 

It was a compliment which was too much to bear.

I didn't know why there were so many sad stories as many things were not known by us locals.  For example, why aren't some farmers not given land titles when they have lived on the land for generations? Marble slabs have been taken from limestone hills for decades but why are the people staying around the hills so poor?  

Pong at KL GH in September for a sugery

In 2011, I finally read that billions were taken out of Ipoh through the limestone hills.

But why are there poor families like Pong's near the limestone hills still?

At the Ipoh General Hospital, so much more could be done to help the long lines of people needing free medical help.  People like me in KL have to organize campagnes and appeal to many parties to fundraise to get Pong accessories for her disabled situation because she can't get the assistance she needs.

Why can't a small amount of the billions go to improve medical facilities all over the country?   

When we did Pong's video journals in September at the KLGH, the aircondition in the elevator and some floors didn't work for a few days, patients and visitors were sweating.  The toilet for visitor was filthy.

                                                      I was shocked by the condition.

I don't understand.

 Pong needs a specially made hydraulic wheelchair so that she can sit up after lying on her tummy for over 26 tears

By CSC

October 18

After two days full of upheavals and critical moments of reflections, I calmed down and got buzy at work. Working hard help me to forget about things that bother me. In the midst of email replying and document editing, it dawned on me that I had forgotten to turn to this project for inspiration during those worst moments.

The five women who know me for years will not see me  as 'a failure'! If I were to confide in them about October 16, they would have said,"I've been through much harder times than you. I haven't quit what I am doing, why should you?"

There was Sulastri, jovial and easy going. "My past is gone, I want to be as happy as I can. I don't want to worry about my future. There are so many good things in my life now!"

She sees her blessings rather than the shortcomings.  I know about such advice for the longest time. But I forgot to do a mental sommersault to bounce back to normal when I was so depressed over the harsh words about 'failire'.

I must remember what she said.

Nisha is always smiling even when she was tired
and agitated with uncaring people. After that long journey of coming out as a transgender, facing prejudices and getting support from her mother for who she is, nothing else can beat her down any more.

"I am fighting for issues about the transgender. I am willing to do anything for my community."
This says a lot about her commitment.
I too must learn to hang on to my own social mission, and keep going.

     Then there is Lucy, deligently going about
      working and volunteering. The public transport
      she has to take to do all these activities would
      have cowed many women if not of her
      determination to be self-reliant instead of taking
       hand-outs.

     " I want to live every minute of my life with
        meaning, so I want to be buzy. Of course,
        there are bad times, but I ask God to give me
        strength to keep going."





Swee Lian fractured her spine due to too
much hardwork and lack of rest.  For over
a month, she was suffering from great physical pains, and still she took care of her sister and
elderly mother. Having taken care of my
Down Syndrome brother and my elderly parents,
I know how exhausting it is especially when you have to do it all by yourself. 

And I am not a Lupus patient.

The inner strength she has to cull to
take care of her home even at a time when she herself is at risk, has got to be immesely deep.

Her filial piety to her mother shows the person she is -- caring about others more than herself.
She still went out to buy her mother's favorite foods instead of buying something for herself.

Most of all, she never quits in doing what she has to do, and she has strong faith that God is there for her.



And Pong

I almost cried when I filmed her at KLGH.
Despite leukimia, deaths of beloved family members, urinary tract pains, and financial constraints, she kept smiling and being jovial
during the few days of filming video journal.

She CHOOSES to stay happy instead of
wallowing in sadness over her situation.
She exercises CHOICE!!!!!!!!
I have so much more material assets, formal education and physical freedom than her, but
I haven't been able to CHOOSE happiness
whenever I trip over little bumps.




Now that I have the opportunity to look at myself through the women, I must start to let go of my fear of failure and CHOOSE to not seek approval from every one, but to nurture my own sense of being with the help of people who really care about Me.

At this beautiful spot in FRIM (Forest Research Institute of Malaysia),  by the BIG Rock, several critical realizations about myself were revealed to me by myself. A supportive group of friends and the positive ions in the surrounding helped me made baby steps to clear my mind of fears, guilt, and self-imposed sacrifices.

I haven't had time to go there this year. 

I should try to give myself the time to reflect, refresh, rejoice, relearn and rejuvenate in the beutiful place and thank God that such a place is accessible to me any time I want. 

And I must remember this whenever I feel like a complete failure --

'Some people always throw stones in your path. It depends on you what you make with them. A Wall or a Bridge? Remember you are the architect of your life.'

 By CSC

October 16

It has taken me more than a month to clear all the emotional threads in my mind before I write about this critical day- October 16 of the year 2011.

I will never forget it for the rest of my life.

I went to a special session to get help for eHomemakers. I only manage to finish the template for my presentation the night before. There were terms I didn't quite understand in the template but I tried my best and made ten slides.


However, things didn't turn out the way I had imagined it would be -- supportive people giving advice in a friendly way, guiding me to amend what I didn't know. At slide three, one of the persons became agitated with my presentation and he started to give me the strongest  verbal 'commentaries' I had ever heard in my 14 years of building eHomemakers.

This was what I heard, "You have failed. eHomemakers is not making any money and you are using your own money sometimes for cash flow. You can't grow a social enterprise without making profit. YOU need to get out of eHomemakers. It is because of you that eHomemakers has failed."

I tried to protest and gave meekly the names of the awards we have won. "That is the past! Who cares?  Can't you see you have failed?" The person threw a brochure I gave to him onto the floor.  His voice boomed, it was the only thing I could hear.

I tried to defend myself several times but he shouted me down.  The others were nice but they too asked me to leave eHomemakers. I told them that as of two years ago, I had already told the team that I will retire from actively running eHomemakers in ten years' time as that was the time period I estimated for it to grow in the financial aspect without sacrificing the social profit --the pro-poor and disadvantaged side of eHomemakers.  As of six years' ago, I had already identified a key weakness in eHomemakers -- none of us in the core team had business profit experience so I needed to bring in business minded team members but I haven't had the money to pay high corporate salaries to bring them in.  The chicken or the egg sitiation for social enterprises, so common all over the world, but does that mean I have to be shouted down and labelled a 'failure'?  My mind silently cried out my protest.

"Can't you see you have failed? What kind of social enterprise it is when you can't afford business salaries?"
 

The walls in the room started to cumbled in my mind's eyes. 

The words 'you are a failure' echoed loudly in my ears.

I crumbled internally.

Other loud voices rom my past were telling me -- the child of primary school years, the teenager of secondary school years -- YOU ARE A FAILURE, you are NO Good, You are STUPID (even though you are a school leader and you are in the A class!)  You will never be able to fulfill our expectations!.

The fear that stemmed from the past was so real.

In those moments when the word "failure' was

thrown at me, I felt tears stinging behind my eyes.

Just like the me in the past, I never shed tears.

I couldn't because I wasn't allowed to cry.

I wouldn't because the fear of harsher and more derogatory words paralyze me. 

And that fear has been a huge mental block in the way I deal with people -- I always choose the

path of least resistance and let aggressive people walk all over me and take advantage of me.

I am unable to stand up for myself many many times.

That night, I couldn't sleep. My mind churned rapidly with the words, "You have caused eHomemakers to fail." I felt so ashamed of myself, and crumbled further into the night. 

At 3pm that night, I woke up, wide eyed. "I am going to quit eHomemakers in the morning. And if no one dares to take over it, I will close it down." In the 14 years I have been helming eHomemakers,this choice has never been an option in my mind. I only knew that I had to keep going untill it can stand on itself without me. 

After putting in so much of my time, internal resources, financial resources and sacrificing my own international career for eHomemakers, I have actually caused it to fail, according to the group of people I met with that day. It hurt so bad to think about it.

At 6.30 am on October 17, I got out of bed and told myself, " I am going to tell Mazmin that I will not be going to the conference with her and I will ask her to tell the conference organisers that I will not be speaking at the last panel session."

I felt awful, it was the first time in my life that I  quit a speaking agreement for a conference. The panel session was very important breakthough for eHomemakers as I spent at least three years trying to speak about the issue to the targetted audience.  "I will incur bad reputation from now on...so be it." Several other engagements in the next few weeks came to my mind, "I have to turn them all down!" I dreaded living.

The new me that day did not have any more inner resources to go on.

At 7.10 am, Mazmin who drove from Terrengganu to KL, came right on time. I told her I had quit eHomemakers. Her eyes pierced me sharply before she said, "I am driving you to the conference, you don't have to do anything. So dress up and we must go now. You can't disappoint me."  All the way to the venue, she told me not to quit.

We reached the conference venue and was told to join the CEO breakfast group. As soon as we sat down, the key oprganizer, a big CEO, sat down at our table and said to me, "Yesterday at the conference opening ceremony, the Minister mentioned eHomemakers' e-community as a talent pool for the nation. I am so sorry that all these years, we didn't listen to you when you tell us that women and men can telework from home. Now that broadband is accessible and the cost is lower, it is time we listen to you!"

Mazmin smiled at me.

Courage returned to my being, I spoke confidently at the panel session, knowing that there was one key pillar of support among the audience -- Mazmin.

The moment I stepped inside the gate of my house, my daughter appeared immediately and opened the inner gate for me -- an unusal gesture from the teenager who is more glued to her Facebook during her free time than to pay attention to mommy's arriving home.

"I don't know why, I just know that you are coming home now and my opening the door will make you very happy," the teenager gave me a big peck on my cheek. We hugged tightly. She knew I needed her in those moments. We sat down on the sofa, I told her what happened.

"Mommy, you can't quit eHomemakers, you have to fight on in the way you have planned it!" she said calmly.

That night, I turned on my computer, a Canadian friend skyped me. After listening to my woes, he sent me email reminders to show me I wasn't a failure and that I had tried my best to live my life.  Melissa Morgenstein, our online intern for this project, also skyped chat and encouragerd me to go on.

By 12 am, I chose to carry on.
All these critical moments happened within 24 hours. Down and down and back to middle ground to carry on living.

Isn't this part of life?
But, is God having fun with me again?
Or has HE given me an answer to my prayers about where to go from now after standing at the junction of my life in the whole year of 2011?





By CSC

Music and Her Persons

I used to think that the song 'I will survive' by
Gloria Gaynor, was in its deep essence, about single moms who have to overcome social prejudices.

I first heard this song at Pattaya at one of the famous 'lady boy' shows. I was at Pattaya for a conference and brought my parents along. They heard so much about the lady boy shows in Ipoh that they insisted on going there 'to see.'

The trangender who lip-sang it was so beautiful that I was mesmerized by her face, her long gown, and every one of her gesture on stage, and then later on at the photo session when the audience paid to take photos with the lady boys.

I asked her why she sang the song so impressively. "The song is about my life, I am a lady boy!" The beautiful smile she gave me belied her struggling past in a small village in the North.

A tourist from India who studied transgenders in Asia gave me his insights about the lady boys. "This song really describes our public prejudice against transgenders all over Asia. If we are not so hypocirtical, judging them from cultural and religious views, they will not have to sing this song with such gusto!"

"Our Asian society still can't accept that there is a third gender!"

He told me that Buddhist Thailand is one of the most welcoming places on the earth for transgenders or kathoeys.   In the last ten years, the Thais also call them '(Thai: สาวประเภทสอง,"a second kind of woman").  The toilets with the 'male and female' signages, the term of endearment for transgender by the locals, and the various beauty pagents from district level to national level.  "The Thai society accepts them as women ( See the Thai audience's reaction in this video).  Sadly, your country is not very nice to transgenders, transexuals and cross-dressers," he shook his head and sighed. "You have too many negative dramas on them!"

His research revealed that there are estimated 10,000 to 30,000 transgenders ( or Mak Nyah) in Malaysia. He read Dr Teh of UPM's research in the year 2000. Among 507 respondents, at least half have been were detained by the police and the Islamic authorities for indecent behavior and cross-dressing.  62% had difficulty finding a job and 50% had to go into sex work to support themselves. (Dr Teh recently in 2011 affirmed that thie statistics haven't changed much for 2011).

After that chance encounter,  every time I meet a transgender, the man's revelations rang in my ears. "Mak Nyahs have been killed and attacked on the street for no reason in your country!"

The dancing in this video reminds me of  the transgenders I have met in musical events. They have beautiful bodies and very beautiful dance moves. All of them are more beautiful physically than most of us women!

                                        
     And when they sing "I will survive', I feel like
     my whole being is electrified by 
    the strong emotions, or rather 'the silent cries and
    tears' that I can't see.                     





Although I had known for years that they have been discriminated by the public especially the religious people, the lack of close contact with transgenders did not allow me to nurture a deep sense of empathy with them especially when I was already involved in speaking out on issues related to single moms, disabled women and women with chronic illnesses.

In the last few years, eHomemakers' Salaam Wanita project has involved training some transgenders who wanted to learn computer and teleworking.  I laise with Nisha and Sulastri at the office level and I have never asked them about their personal lives. The only mental conclusion I have about them is: they are more well groomed than me. They care a lot about their make-up, hair do and clothes more than me.

Now that I am working on this project, I get to know them at a personal level and I dare to ask the questions in my mind.

Nisha told me recently that there are still men who ask her how much is it to sleep with her as she walks on the street!

When I asked her how she felt about such disturbances, she shrugged her shoulders, "I am used to it. I am not bother about it."

It suddenly dawned on me that They look like women, they behave like women, they think like women, but they can't be as free as us women!

Because some people don't think they are women, the transgenders are seen as low-class sex workers who hook other women's husbands, sinners who are immoral, criminals who should be locked up in jail, religious deviants who should be re-educated in lock-up camps!



So, what kinds of life do they actually lead beyond the women's physical looks? How do they react to prejudices?

                                         
                                           Watch Nisha's video journal explaining beauty

Are they really as women as us - the women? 
Do they cry like us women or swallow the feelings up and 'go to the cave' to settle their emotions like men? Does talking to someone make them feel better when they have problems?  Do they envy us for our menstural problems? Do they have maternal instincts too?  

The first time I met Nisha in a private event, a group of transgenders was singing this song to the birthday person. Nisha sang the song with so much emotions that I was transfixed watching her.  At that event, I learnt that she just came out of jail after being arrested as a transgender and a sex worker.

I told her about our first chance encounter several years ago. She laughed, "I have sung that song so many times at parties, I can't remember which one that I impressed you with!"

"Do you want to sing more?"

"I love singing, but I am not good at singing," she lowered her head shyly. " I can only sing in groups." ( Watch this video journal where she finally admitted that she loves to sing.)

"How about you sing a song for this documentary project? You never know what will happen!" I suggested.

"No-lah, people are going to laugh..." she smiled coyly.

"Why do you care if they laugh at your singing? You have to be you, right?  So sing!" I persisted.

Nisha agrees.

This documentary project is going to be great as I got to do things that I never dreamed I would do for a transgender -- making Nisha's dream come true.





By CSC

A Canadian in Malaysia

Hello team!

Fresh off of the plane, 2 days into my Malaysian adventure and so far I’ve managed to avoid the jet lag! Although, one thing I haven’t been able to avoid is the heat. I was so excited to leave minus 25 for plus 30, but it’s a bit more of an adjustment than I had anticipated. I find I have to change my clothes at least twice a day. Too much information? Sorry, we are just meeting.

Hi!  I don't know how to rotate pictures, sorry.

I’m Morgan Reed. I am a video journalist in Canada with a news organization called CTV. I do reporting and filming and writing for the daily news in my home city of Regina, Saskatchewan. If you’ve never heard of Regina, you’re in the norm. It is quite lovely, but not a very large city.

This is me and some of my co-workers last year on the Christmas float in an annual parade.

Conversely, Kuala Lumpur is a busy place.  Having just arrived, I find myself in awe of the lush greenery.  Everything is so alive.  I also have great tour guides.  Ching Ching and Rhonwyn have been so nice to show me around,  answering my dozens of questions, and pretending not to be upset when I burn food in their kitchen...

When I first heard about the Portraits of Perseverance project several months ago I was inspired by the women involved.  That’s what brought me here.  I consider myself a storyteller and Ching Ching and the other women involved with the eHomemakers organization seem to have great stories to tell.

I know it will be a long process but I am anxious to learn more about everyone.  I feel like I know some of you already from the blogs and video journals but I’m sure there’s so much more to know.  It’s such an amazing thing to always be learning.  I consider myself very lucky to have the opportunity to learn about Malaysia and about inspirational women over the next few months.

By: Morgan Reed